A Right-Wing Holiday Gift Guide
For the self-loathing shitposter in your life, eight awful items
Holiday greetings from SH!TPOST! It’s been such a fun year producing the show and starting up this newsletter. When I started this project, I thought of it as an experimental side-hobby that would ultimately fizzle out. Instead, people started listening. I’m incredibly grateful that so many find what we talk about on the show to be worth their time. I’m looking forward to another year delivering more interesting and informative content.
For this newsletter, I’m returning to a tradition I had when I was at Right Wing Watch: publishing a right-wing merch holiday shopping guide. No matter how you celebrate, these gifts will ensure that 2020 isn’t the only year you spend the holidays alone.
(This newsletter is releasing outside the normal paywall. It is the holiday season, after all.)
Tim Pool Prepper Buckets
Tim Pool likes to talk to his YouTube audience of millions about the idea that the “radical left” may pose a deadly threat to conservatives’ safety and wellbeing. It sure does sounds scary! Thankfully, our trusted beanie-clad rant guy spent part of 2020 slinging buckets of glorified MREs. When the safe-space enforcers show up in remote suburbs, the aptly prepared will dine on ready-to-eat emergency food and bargain instant mac-n-cheese packets for Fornite V-bucks, just as God intended.
Irish Americans for Trump Beer Glasses
A lot of “Trump 2020” merch no longer appears on the Trump campaign’s web store since Sleepy Joe pulled off a win this past November. But curiously, these “Irish Americans for Trump” pint glasses have remained. Whatever the reason may be for their enduring presence, they will make a perfect gift for the person in your life who wants an item they only trot out on St. Patrick’s Day and even then are unsure whether it’s OK to laugh about.
Infowars Branded Face Mask
Conspiracy monger Alex Jones and his on-air pals at Infowars have spent nearly the entirety of the COVID-19 pandemic claiming that the disease was released on the world to fulfill a host of wide-reaching conspiracies to destroy the United States and broader Western World. If you watch the show, you might come away believing the coronavirus is part of an elaborate hoax! But if you have the money to spend, Infowars will gladly sell you this branded face mask. AWAKEN THE SHEEPLE. BECOME THE SHEEP.
Don’t take my word for it. Here’s a review from the Infowars web store (emphasis added):
This mask is glorious. I've only worn it twice because I only wear one when I absolutely need one. It packs a punch and delivers an American message.
“He Came. He Won. He Got SH!T Done” T-Shirt
Out of context, this shirt could be about anything. In context, it’s a fun tribute to a time in pro-Trump media when pundits pounded home that Trump had won the election and that Democratic Party voters should get over it. The times sure have changed. I’m filing this one under “vintage.”
Turning Point USA’s “Cuteservative” Crop Top
GOP-aligned youth organization Turning Point USA did in 2020 what it has attempted to do since its inception: attempt to make conservative policy sexy to young, college-aged people. Part of that effort has included the ramping up of its Instagram TV show “Poplitics,” which bills itself as “Pop Culture Without The Propaganda.” To get an idea of what that looks like in practice, I direct you to the following:
A Mesh ‘Liberty Mask’
As the retail price of $17.76 makes clear, this mask is for hot-blooded patriots in the United States. The mask is comprised of two elastic bands, two cloth strips, and a translucent layer of blue mesh. But buyer be warned: reviewers have complained about the construction quality of these face…coverings?
Bootleg Ben Shapiro Wall Art
Perfect for hanging above your bed or inside your locker, this canvas print of conservative “facts don’t care about your feelings” commentator Ben Shapiro smoking a joint and rendered in 2015 meme format starts at a baffling $48. This one is for real Shapiro heads only. I personally have replaced the mirrors in my home with these canvas prints.
‘Groyper’ Hulk Hogan Throw Pillow
Groypers, a sub-in for what Pepe the Frog used to represent online, come in many flavors. For all their putrid online behavior, some groyper illustrations are admittedly impressive. I end this list with a Hulk Hogan groyper throw pillow. This should provide hours of conversation from concerned family members visiting for the holidays!